In the numbness of spending time by yourself, you do sometimes get to this point where you begin to question your friendships, your relationships, the progression of the year.
I remember I set out this year vowing to be no bullshits about myself, after six plus years of caring far too much of what other people thought of me; and to be honest it's been going really nicely. Uni is sometimes this magical place full of different kinds of people who (for want of a better word), you can really sift through to discover the people you mesh with.
I find it remarkable that one of my best mates now is someone I went to high school for six years with and with whom I virtually never talked to during the duration of those six years. It's strange that with those I was close to in high school, I've become even closer to in uni. At the same time it's strange to drift away from those I never imagined I would drift away from, but I think we're all beginning to move along with our lives for better or worse. With others, you begin to realise that if it weren't for the fact that you saw them five days a week, you probably wouldn't be friends.
I was (and am) awfully pessimistic about the duration of friendships, or the likelihood of maintaining high school friendships post-school, but at the same time there's a tinge of heartache for those I had these brilliant conversations with, where we could talk for literal hours on end, and seeing how the state of our friendships are in now.
The best friendships, after all, aren't necessarily the ones where you have similar interests. The best ones are the ones where you argue ideologically, the ones where you both share or at least understand each other values, the ones where you call up to vent, the ones you spend hours on Skype with on mute just for their company whilst you slave away into the night studying, the ones who judge you but don't care. Those friendships aren't defined by time, you don't necessarily have to see them everyday or talk to them. But I suppose it takes time to find them.
There are far too many people I want to catch up with for a day, lounging in a wine bar, lying on the sand at the beach, sunbaking in a park; to relive the conversations from the past; but this is all nostalgia. Like I said, people change, and although that's by far a bad thing, sometimes the change means that friendships aren't quite what they used to be. And no one has the time in their lives to be insincere about their friendships, or have a friendship that is a one-sided effort. Takes two to tango after all?
xx